I am not sure if it is the weather that is making me miserable but my mood is definitely deflated. I was so excited when I started this blog and although I knew I had set my self a hard task I think I am realising just how hard it is!
I am asking people to talk out about something horrific that happened to them or to someone they know. Not only am I asking them to not be afraid and be proud that they are a survivor, I am then asking them to actively get involved with a load of strangers and dance around a bit!
It’s a big ask and if someone had come to me 6 months ago and asked me to take part I think I would have said no. Although I have never shied away from saying I was raped I do not think, until now, I have been ready to actively try and overcome my experience. So if I put myself in your shoes I understand why it wouldn’t be intriguing.
There are two things I want to say and both go hand in hand. Rape is not talked about because of the stigma attached to it. If I had been mugged, or if I had been shot I think I would have been a lot more forthcoming with the details to my friends and family, and equally they would have been a lot more forthcoming with love and support. There is a resistance to talk openly about rape unlike any other tragic event I can think of that might occur in someones life. Whatever the reason is for this, it makes me angry. We are not to blame, we should not feel ashamed and we should not be embarrassed. So I am angry when I face awkwardness from my friends or people around me because, whatever the reason is that causes them to react that way, it makes me feel dirty and like I have done something wrong.
So I thought lets speak out loud and clear and not give anyone the opportunity to become awkward. If I am comfortable with it then so can everyone else be. And also, if I am not telling people how much it has affected me then how are they meant to know how much to support me?? BUT I am realising that by writing this blog and deciding to do workshops I have not solved the problem. I am once again powerless. Without other people who have had shared experiences coming to me and sharing my frustration and wanting to be proactive about changing this for future victims, I am just another person shouting into an infinite void.
I am frustrated, and it is without judgement to anyone. There is a frustration there because I am finally getting angry. I am angry about what I went through before, during and after the rape. But underneath this, there is bubbling hope. I am hopeful. I hope each day that people will share my frustration and we can work together to overcome and make a difference.
Give me hope…